Wait… Which Player Am I?

Wait… Which Player Am I?

Wait… Which Player Am I?

Sometimes people can be lazy. Usually no one is really affected by this laziness because those people typically stay at home, eating chips off the floor, and watch reruns of “Who’s the Boss?” still trying to decide who’s really the boss. But then you have some of those lazy people who produce something from their laziness. It’s especially noticeable in the retro gaming industry when deciding to create a 2 player mode. Playing games with your friends is fun right? Unless 2 player is just a lame rip off of player 1. Let’s look at some lame ass character rip offs shall we?

doubledragon

Double Dragon 2: The Revenge

Released: December 1988

Developed by: Technos Japan

Published by: Technos Japan

Player 1: Billy

Player 2: Jimmy Lee

So I don’t think they ever explained that the Double Dragons were actually twins. Or that they prefer the same hair cut, color, and style. They seem to work out at the same gym, by the same trainer, and have the same stance.

The only thing they seem to differ on is what color clothing to wear. It looks like they are either wearing jump suits or a baby’s onesies. In either matter, Billy likes Blue and Jimmy Lee likes red. You ask if they want sprinkles on their ice cream they both yes. But when it comes to coloring of clothes, not style or design, just color, the Double Dragons differ. Who in their right mind would buy a red pair of jeans anyway? Geez. Totally not fashionable.

guerrillawarfare

Guerrilla War

Released: 1987

Developed by: SNK

Published by: SNK

Player 1: Unnamed rebel commando 1

Player 2: Unnamed rebel commando 2

War is hell. War makes men out of boys. Guerrilla War decides it’s best not to color coordinate with the environment because it’s more fun to stick out like a sore thumb to the enemy than wear the same jacket from Kohl’s as your buddy. Oh the humanity!

Not only are the jackets a different color, apparently the Government has the funds to create blue and yellow helmets as well for your personal selection. The helmets and jackets have to match! You can’t have a yellow jacket with a blue helmet or a blue jacket with a yellow helmet. That’s just crazy talk! Crazy talk I tell you.

But it does give a great insight at how we treat virtual soldiers fighting for our virtual country and freedom. They’re not good enough even to have names. Just Unnamed Rebel Commando. That’s all you are, maggot! Now drop down and give me 20 while I try out these new green pants that are standard issue.

rivercityransom

River City Ransom

Released: January 1990

Developed by: Technos Japan

Published by: American Technos

Player 1: Alex

Player 2: Ryan

The streets will run red in River City as street gangs positioned by Slick combat Alex and Ryan to stop from retrieving Ryan’s Girlfriend. The cult classic River City Ransom has been met with much criticism and fans begging for sequels.

The color swap in this game is an interesting one. The game developers didn’t go for the ho-hum Red and Blue swap. They switched it up! Who wouldn’t look better in comparison in white jeans and a blue tee than his friend who just so happened to show up in blue jeans and a white tee shirt? Make the eye a little smaller so he doesn’t look scared all the time, give him the little Superman curl at the end of his hair and Boom! You’ve got a completely different person with a different set of beliefs, goals, and life lessons. Yeah… that’s how that works…

heavybarrel

Heavy Barrel

Released: 1987

Developed by: Data East

Published by: Data East

Player 1: Soldier 1

Player 2: Soldier 2

Granted, Guerrilla War and Heavy Barrel are basically the same game. Both are over head run and gun types that pits you against an unlimited amount of terrorists to shoot and destroy.

I’m guessing though, the virtual war in Heavy Barrel must be in the future because the Government now has the money to not only issue matching jackets and helmets but also pants and guns! That’s right! Does the red colored gun not match your eyes? Well, now you have your choice of red or blue! And you don’t need a helmet like the old fashion wars! No, sir! We now have the technology to provide high impact sweat bands. Sweat bands – not just for those 70s & 80s work out videos any longer. Sweat bands – the only way to fly.

smashtv

Smash TV

Released: 1990

Developed by: Beam Soft

Published by: Acclaim Entertainment

Player 1: Contestant 1

Player 2: Contestant 2

Now, let me bring you into the future of reality TV in the year 1999! That’s right. Smash TV pits two contestants in a hands-on, no-holds-barred, do-or-die adventure set in 1999! Crazy what could have been if this game would not have been made.

Not only does this game do the red and blue color swap, the creators also assumed that the second player is black. Now is that racist? I don’t think so. I believe that Williams Entertainment felt that in the year 1999, the world population would be split down the middle with race and engaging them to work together to kill their opponents with machine guns for cash and prizes at the entertainment value for society. We are almost there, world. We are almost there. Let’s make Williams Entertainment proud. Big Money!

lifeforce

Life Force

Released: August 1, 1988

Developed by: Konami

Published by: Konami

Player 1: Vic Viper

Player 2: Lord British

Swapping red and blue color schemes for co-operative game play isn’t segregated to just human-type characters. Oh, no. It’s also a guide line for space ships as well.

In Life Force, the 2 player space ship goes through a red transition from it’s player 1 counterpart and it appears to have an addition to its engine while in flight. The easiest way to create blue flames is by combining it with an element that burns blue naturally. These include: ethanol (e.g. rum, vodka), methanol, isopropyl alcohol, or natural gas. Three of those include some sort of alcohol. And after playing the game for about 20 minutes, my money is on rum. Maybe with a shot of coke. Or even better, R.C. Cola. Mmmm.

bubblebobble

Bubble Bobble

Released: 1986

Developed by: Taito

Published by: Taito and Romstar

Player 1: Bub

Player 2: Bob

Bub and Bob make their way into your home via your television set and Nintendo Entertainment System to blow bubbles… and bobble around…?

Color swapping dragons. They both have the buck tooth sticking out which proves that inbreeding is a natural way of life in the dragon kingdom. But the blue isn’t really a blue, is it? It’s more of a teal. Maybe the mommy dragon drank some food coloring? Or maybe Bob fell in a bucket of mud? Blue mud? I mean crud. There’s just no way these two are twins. But at least they tried to make some sense of 2 Player.

I don’t care what anyone says, there is nothing cute about these monstrous dragons. You think trapping enemies with bubbles and watching them get squashed is cute? It’s not. It’s frightening. And there’s nothing cute about a blue dragon. It’s unnatural. Then again, I would think a dragon that spits bubbles as an attack mechanism is unnatural as well.

battletoads

Battletoads

Released: June 1991

Developed by: Rare

Published by: Tradewest

Player 1: Rash

Player 2: Zits

MUTANT TOADS AS BATTLE MACHINES!

So, we see a ton of strange things in video games. A set of Battletoads is just another to add to the list, but Rare did something interesting here.

As you may recall, Rare developed the Battletoads series to be in direct competition with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. So why wouldn’t you pit reptile against reptile?

Rather than having each “battle toad” have a different set of colored gear and sweat band, they  went full force and changed the whole spite yellow. But one of the things that always seemed strange to me is the absence of Pimple. The story always revolves around the 3 of the Battletoads battling the Dark Queen and her renegade space troops. He’s also green, by the way. Maybe that’s why. Even though the story says he was kidnapped in the first two original Battletoads games. I just don’t believe it. Do toads change their skin tone over time? Must be a mishap from how ever they became the ‘Toads.