Tighten that tie, shine those shoes, and button up that jacket, it’s about to get classy up in here. And by classy I mean, really really bad gaming. So bad in fact, you’ll be the best looking thing here. Well second best next to me.
There are a lot of reasons why people stop playing games. Usually these involve responsibilities around the house, work, or school. Not me. No sir. I refuse responsibilities. I am over that. That, my friend, is child’s play. I stop playing certain games because they are crap. Let me demonstrate with a few select titles that have forced me to hit the power button.
Double Dragon – Sega Game Gear
Level 1… first weapon you pick up is a… gun. A gun? There is a gun in Double Dragon. A gun. Why do you need a gun? You are a bad ass, fighting to get back your kidnapped girlfriend, and you’re going to opt for a gun? Who thought that was a good idea? Not one Double Dragon game has you picking up and using a gun. Not one. Stupid.
Beetlejuice – NES
Everyone knows that LJN = Crap. And if you don’t know, well I invite you to pick up a copy of this jeweled dump entitled Beetlejuice.
There are a lot of things wrong with this game. And when I say a lot… I mean the entire game is just one big wrong. But the thing that gets me the most is the hidden traps. Take a look above.
More than half of the screen is red. Red means danger. Red means death. If your screen is more than half a ticket to a watery grave, who would want to continue? There are pit falls everywhere! I understand that a game should be challenging and teach the player to overcome its obstacles, but come on.
Swamp Thing – NES
You play the role of Swamp Thing. Swamp Thing can duck. Swamp Thing can punch.
Swamp Thing can not duck and punch. Swamp Thing Swamp.
Spelunker – NES
Upon starting this game, I quickly realized that this was a plat former. Apparently a very good one considering the reviews and scores. And I am all about trying new things especially those held in high regards. I was gravely mistaken with this title. Let’s take a look at the first level.
As you can see, you are a spelunker… what ever that is. And you have been descended down into a cavern on a platform. Before you is a ledge. Now what do you do…?
Don’t jump to the ledge. Dear god, don’t do that. Because apparently if fall more than 1 foot, you will die. Yup… one foot death. Super… Don’t spelunkers usually have ropes?
Austin Powers: Oh, Behave – Gameboy Advance
OK, so I know what you’re thinking. It’s an Austin Power’s game, there’s no way this can be good. And I’m going to tell you right now… you are 100 percent correct. This game is terrible. But, luckily, I didn’t even get to the “game” the first time I loaded this bad boy up. Take a look at this.
You see the joke? The programmers actually thought it would be funny to have a loading screen for a cartage game. But the in between lines of Austin Power memes is really what got me. Then this happens.
That’s right. Austin Power 2000 complete with it’s own hourglass so that you may watch the loading process unfold. Isn’t that just great? Isn’t it? Here’s the screen I saw next.
Ah, static. It’s it beautiful. I turned the game off if anyone was wondering.
Are there any games that you just had to turn off? Let us know in the comments. And bring your black ties.