Category Archives: Black Tie Event

Shine those shoes and tighten that tie, it’s the Black Tie Event. A most prestigious event where video games are analyzed in the utmost highest class fashion that those with “less fortunate” bank accounts would never understand. Originally began its life on The Official Video Gaming Hard Corps has found new life here.

The Black Tie Event Presents… Pointless Game Aspects

It’s that time once again to break open a nice chilled bottle of 2005 Château Pétrus and talk of the more important issues of life such as weather treating your yacht, how full lobster and caviar can make you feel after the annual “Saving the White Tigers” dinner benefit, or in this case, pointless game aspects.

It’s things in games that make you think “I’m… but…. wh… why are you here?” Yes, we see it all the time and what follows are just a few of these that really get my tie in a knot. That’s right, everyone, it’s another Black Tie Event!

“Why are you here?”

So you are cruising through town. Just got done slaying some monsters and you get a tip from a local that the enemy master mind is waiting for you. You followed a path that takes you to a nearby town looking for a chance to cool off, take it easy, and maybe get a clue for the next big adventure. Then you come across this person…

Now at first you may be thinking, “OK, sorry to bother, didn’t know you didn’t have any information. Sorry again. I’ll just be on my way.” But when it continues throughout the game… you have to think to yourself… WTF WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE THEN?! And it’s a good question. Anytime I play an adventure game, I think the conversation starts by me walking up to a NPC and saying “Hello”. Has anyone ever in the history of the world answered a “Hello” with a “I know nothing”? Then why are you here? Why did the programmer think it was necessary to have a character that knows absolutely nothing would benefit the player? I know that in real life, sometimes people just can’t help you. But this is a game… a game. It’s pointless to have such a waste of code.

“Why did I just do that then?”

There are quite a few games out there on many a console that allow you to save your game under a recognizable name, traditionally your name. As an added bonus, the main character will also be referred to as your name. So instead of “Hey, weird looking guy who thinks he’s going on a quest to save the princess when we all know you are just going to die a horrible horrible death.” they will call you Jim, or Steve, or whatever your name might be. Things like this really bring you into a game by personalizing it. Then you have games that just don’t do that.

At the start of a game, you are asked to input your name… so you do. Then while playing the game, the characters seem not to care about the player’s input and decides to call him or her whatever they feel like it. If that’s the case, why did I have to put my name in? Now, I know that a few of you are thinking “Well, that way I know that it’s my saved game file and not someone else’s.” Especially on an 8-bit console, there’s typically no more than three (3) saved game spots. Sometimes only one. Are you telling me that you can’t remember if you are first, second, or third? Because that is ridiculous and I refuse to believe it. If you are not going to use what ever sweet unique “better than anyone else can come up with”-kind of name then don’t tell me input it… just don’t. Because I get my hopes up that someone is going to call me “Socks the Clown” and I get “Mike” instead.

“Why is that there?”

Heads up displays or HUDs are beneficial to the player so that they are aware of the most important things in the game: score, health, lives, current item selected, etc. And that’s it, right? Well not all the time. I would like to introduce: “Worthless attempt to cover up game screen for whatever reason!”

Here’s a prime example of “What the hell is that doing there?” At first I was thinking, “Oh, the programmers want me to know that I’m playing as a ninja.” Then I noticed that I’m the only sprite on the screen that’s dressed in black and looks like a ninja. Then I thought “Well… maybe it’s to keep track of my health. The more bloody and bruised he gets the less health I have.” Nope. That’s not it. So what’s it for? Nothing… absolutely nothing. It’s just there to be there. Maybe the programmers didn’t want to draw the rest of the screen, got lazy, then thought “Here’s how we cover it up so we can do less work!” And it does the trick, it really does. But, looking back on it, it makes me think “What’s behind the overly-large head of the ninja? Could it be candy?!” We will never know. But what we do know, is that it’s pointless. Utterly pointless.

I know there’s tons more out there in the video gaming universe. What bothers you? Leave your comments in the space provided below. And remember to keep it classy. We’re not sporting William Fioravanti Bespoke suits for nothing, am I right? Of course I am.

The Black Tie Event Presents… Games I Quit Playing After 10 Seconds

Tighten that tie, shine those shoes, and button up that jacket, it’s about to get classy up in here. And by classy I mean, really really bad gaming. So bad in fact, you’ll be the best looking thing here. Well second best next to me.

There are a lot of reasons why people stop playing games. Usually these involve responsibilities around the house, work, or school. Not me. No sir. I refuse responsibilities. I am over that. That, my friend, is child’s play. I stop playing certain games because they are crap. Let me demonstrate with a few select titles that have forced me to hit the power button.

Double Dragon – Sega Game Gear

Level 1… first weapon you pick up is a… gun. A gun? There is a gun in Double Dragon. A gun. Why do you need a gun? You are a bad ass, fighting to get back your kidnapped girlfriend, and you’re going to opt for a gun? Who thought that was a good idea? Not one Double Dragon game has you picking up and using a gun. Not one. Stupid.

Beetlejuice – NES

Everyone knows that LJN = Crap. And if you don’t know, well I invite you to pick up a copy of this jeweled dump entitled Beetlejuice.

There are a lot of things wrong with this game. And when I say a lot… I mean the entire game is just one big wrong. But the thing that gets me the most is the hidden traps. Take a look above.

More than half of the screen is red. Red means danger. Red means death. If your screen is more than half a ticket to a watery grave, who would want to continue? There are pit falls everywhere! I understand that a game should be challenging and teach the player to overcome its obstacles, but come on.

Swamp Thing – NES

You play the role of Swamp Thing. Swamp Thing can duck. Swamp Thing can punch.

Swamp Thing can not duck and punch. Swamp Thing Swamp.

Spelunker – NES

Upon starting this game, I quickly realized that this was a plat former. Apparently a very good one considering the reviews and scores. And I am all about trying new things especially those held in high regards. I was gravely mistaken with this title. Let’s take a look at the first level.

As you can see, you are a spelunker… what ever that is. And you have been descended down into a cavern on a platform. Before you is a ledge. Now what do you do…?

Don’t jump to the ledge. Dear god, don’t do that. Because apparently if fall more than 1 foot, you will die. Yup… one foot death. Super… Don’t spelunkers usually have ropes?

Austin Powers: Oh, Behave – Gameboy Advance

OK, so I know what you’re thinking. It’s an Austin Power’s game, there’s no way this can be good. And I’m going to tell you right now… you are 100 percent correct. This game is terrible. But, luckily, I didn’t even get to the “game” the first time I loaded this bad boy up. Take a look at this.

You see the joke? The programmers actually thought it would be funny to have a loading screen for a cartage game. But the in between lines of Austin Power memes is really what got me. Then this happens.

That’s right. Austin Power 2000 complete with it’s own hourglass so that you may watch the loading process unfold. Isn’t that just great? Isn’t it? Here’s the screen I saw next.

Ah, static. It’s it beautiful. I turned the game off if anyone was wondering.

Are there any games that you just had to turn off? Let us know in the comments. And bring your black ties.